For those of you that don’t know, Michael Jensen is one of the biggest grifters and scammers in the equity crowdfunding space. He initially raised a lot of money through a number of platforms, then basically took all the money and spent it on an expensive art collection, suing employees for speaking out about abuse, and lavish trips around the world.

What he didn’t spend it on was getting a product to market. After years, he never got an otherwise simple product to market. In short, the guy is about as bad as they come and just a plain loser.

But typically he does this in the shadows to keep up the grift. Someone sent me this just hilarious and embarrassing shareholder update sent in complete desperation. I thought you would enjoy it as much as I did:

 

And oh boy… buckle up, because this “update” is less shareholder communication and more full-blown midlife crisis meltdown – typed out with the same sweaty fervor as a Reddit crypto bag-holder blaming the moon phases for his portfolio.

The email starts with Jansen whining about how “deeply unfair” it is that investors don’t want to throw more money into his black hole of a company. Shocker. It’s your fault, dear investor, for not understanding his “vision.” Not his for torching millions of dollars chasing some AI metaverse fantasy that was outdated before Facebook rebranded to Meta.

Then comes the chef’s kiss – a paragraph so delusional it could qualify for its own DSM classification. He says, and I quote, “If just 10% of you re-invested, we’d be unstoppable.” Unstoppable? Mate, you can’t even stop your LinkedIn comments from getting ratio’d.

Let’s translate: “Hey guys, I know I burned your last check like it was a Rothko on fire, but if you could just Venmo me a few grand more, I swear this time we’ll totally disrupt urban planning or smart cities or… whatever buzzword soup I’m peddling this quarter.”

Also buried in the update – between the passive-aggressive guilt trips and delusions of grandeur – is a veiled threat to “shut the platform down” if people don’t pony up. Classic play: light the house on fire, then ask the neighbors to crowdsource the water bill.

And don’t even get me started on the claims about “talks with major investors” that somehow never seem to close. It’s always “about to sign,” “just need to finalize,” or “we’re under NDA.” Meanwhile, the only thing actually under wraps is the truth – that nobody in their right mind is funding this clown again.

Seriously, at this point, it’s like watching a B-tier Fyre Festival reboot – except the cheese sandwich is your depleted bank account and the yoga tent is an empty landing page for a vaporware “digital twin” app.

TL;DR: Michael Jansen isn’t a visionary. He’s a cautionary tale in khakis. And this “update” isn’t a strategy – it’s a last-ditch GoFundMe from a guy who spent your money playing CEO cosplay at tech conferences.

If you’re still on the fence about this guy, ask yourself one thing: Would you trust someone who calls themselves “the Steve Jobs of Smart Cities” — and unironically believes it — with another dollar?

Exactly.